When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman (Will Salty like this one?}

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Might not kill him but he'll never have any friends

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight...

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF? I was looking right at her.

It's been a horrible morning so far.
My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus drive