To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips

I can't stand people who are indirect.
You know who you are.

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."