On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at my iPhone.

I always find New Year's Eve stressful.
I've been diagnosed with auld langxiety.

Did you hear about the Native American stripper?
Every time she danced, it rained.

When my swear jar gets full I'm gonna use the money to buy a motherfucking puppy.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting me to date her.

Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.