THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know…*pauses to think*…my mother was never a young boy.

I'm peacefully fishing…
when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and get dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

My dog just looked me in the eyes...
and said "Nobody is gonna believe you". Then went back to sleep.

I decided to ignore idiots…
now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the Officer advised, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”