First one for hawks

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We may never know the truth.

It's perfectly acceptable for me to come home and find my wife wandering around the house in a pair of my shorts and a T-shirt, but if I walk around wearing a dress and heels, suddenly "We need to talk."

My wife was trying on different things yesterday and asked me what would make her new dress look sexier. I said: "Give it to your sister."

My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said: "I want that." So I cut it out and gave it to her.

I went into this place and an Asian girl started stroking my neckwear. Turned out it was a tie massage parlor.

I saw this gorgeous girl in a night club wearing a chess-patterned top, so I made a move on her.................................

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.
I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS…
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

My landlord said he needed to come talk to me
about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open”.

The last time I was someone’s type …
I was donating blood.

I slept with the neighbors wife last night and now I feel terrible.
I think she must have given me a cold or something.


My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted too easily …
Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.