I had amnesia once.
OK, maybe twice.

"Teacher: "If I had eight flies on my desk and
swatted one, how many would be left?"
Little Johnny: "Just the dead one."

Math has never been my thirtee.

My wife caught me masturbating.
I tried explaining to her that technically it was her fault.

I just gave my wife a last-minute birthday gift.
I put the toilet seat down.