Me? A Procrastinator?
I'll prove you wrong someday, just you wait and see.

Hell hath no fury...
like a woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

I'm not arguing.
I'm explaining why I'm correct.

So "you're so beautiful when you're sleeping"
is only considered a compliment if she knows who you are.

Sorry for nicking your car with my door.
It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.

"Same sex marriage"?
I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Cop: I see you failed to use your turn signal
back there. So I pulled an illegal u-turn, broke the speed limit and forced other drivers off the road with my flashing strobe lights so I could detain you and extort money from you...to teach you a lesson about unsafe driving habits.

Mini M&M's...
...for when you just can't finish an entire M&M.

I heard fish is good for your brain... but now I can't get the smell out of my hair.

My wife and I had words...
but I didn't get to use mine.

I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.

Dressed as a pirate for Halloween...the small boy knocked on a door and was greeted by a matronly woman.
"Aren't you a cute little pirate", she said. "But where are your buccaneers?"
To which the little boy replied, "Under my buccan hat!"