My friend keeps saying…
…"Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

Your kid gets straight A's at school?
That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

I've learned from my mistakes. I make bigger and better mistakes than ever now.

*Sees people doing the mannequin challenge*
*Brings back the ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

My ex mother-in-law once commented...
that she wished her daughter had stayed married to her first husband. Me too, I replied.

Sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you...
homophobic vending machine.

George Washington could not tell a lie.
We've come a long way.

Judge: "You understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
Me: "I do."
Judge: "You understand what happens if you commit perjury?"
Me: "My side wins?"

My wife came in complaining that I never lift a
finger around the house..............so I did.......the middle one.

When my wife tells me how to drive, I don't even
hear her. It's like I have some sort of auto-immune disease.