My wife said she is leaving me
because of my addiction to anti-depressants...
Guess, I won't be needing those anymore.

911: "What's your emergency?"
Me: "Two women are fighting over me."
911: "OK, but what's the problem?"
Me: "The fat one's winning."

I think my gene pool may have been
one of those above-ground ones.

I wish all these women got as excited about me finishing in less than ten seconds as they do about Usain Bolt.

My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday, it was our bedroom while I was screwing her sister.

At 70, my sex drive is as strong as ever.
It's just not connected to my sex transmission anymore. I explained this to my doctor and he gave me a referral to AAMCO.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting…
but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 3 inches…
make sure those aren't two separate measurements.

A clown sighting at the office this morning…
but it turns out Karen put her makeup on in the car again.