I should have known it was a mistake
getting married. Even after I said "I do," the priest looked at my bride then looked at me and said: "Is that your final answer?"

People tell me they still remember my wedding.
My wife looked stunning, and I looked stunned.

My wife's not real bright.
She went to the paint store to lose some weight, because she heard you could get thinner there.

My wife just went on a crash diet.
She had a small piece of tofu and a diet coke, and afterward wrecked two cars, a mini-van, and a motorcycle.

If quitters never win and winners never quit,
what are you if you quit while you're ahead.

I often get into trouble because I
misplace things - like the last time I was in a bar I got a black eye because I misplaced my hand on a girl's ass.

Fred: "The trouble with you is you're
your own worst enemy."
Bob: "Not while my wife's alive I'm not."

I've been told I'm a great listener.............
...................by many large-breasted women.

I take everything with a grain of salt.
Now I have hypertension.