Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

I'm now on year 3 of the '7 day ab challenge’.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I read in the 1930's teething babies were given cocaine.
Ridiculous! If they had a tooth ache they probably didn't even want to party.

Pharmacy employee, you're too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Instagram would have been a good name for a weed delivery service.

I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math.

livin la vida broka

I got mood poisoning.
Must have been something I hate.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today's the funeral

How do you say "No, I'm full" in Grandmother?

Great, I clicked on “Start Your Free Trial” and now I’m convicted of murder.