I hate people who
steal my ideas, before I even think of them.

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers!

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America and find out it was made in China!

They say shitting
is a call of nature! Does that mean farting is a text?

Sunday Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.

I hate when women say their body's "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter!

I hang strobe lights from my bedroom ceiling to create the illusion that my wife is moving during sex.

Wife: "How should we celebrate our
twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?"
Me: "How about five minutes of silence?"

Me: "Doctor, my wife dislocated
her jaw. Can you see her.........................in, say, four or five weeks?"

My wife is always telling me that
I don't look at things from her point of view - so I went and looked out the kitchen window.

I'm so pussy-whipped............................
...........I have to wash and iron my own apron.