My cross-eyed friend was just diagnosed with depression. I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.

I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale, thin body. I met her on Match.com.

I said to my wife:
"On your gravestone I'll put "COLD AS EVER". She said: "On yours I'll put "STIFF AT LAST".

I'm such a firm believer in reincarnation,
I'm leaving everything to myself.

I should have known it would never have worked out with my ex-wife. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a bitch.

I watched my dog chase his tail
in circles for ten minutes, thinking how stupid and easily entertained he was. Then I realized I had just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.