My dad wore the pants in the family - at least, after the court order.

My friend is so bald,
when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a roll-on deodorant.

How can you tell if your young son is gay? He tries to push the cylinder shape into the star-shaped hole.

I always find New Year's Eve stressful.
I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.

I think the best way to reduce stress in your
life is to be wealthy and attractive.

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair grow. Now I know why my wife's sister has a moustache.

Police found a criminal who had been shot dead with exit wounds but no entry wounds. They think it was an inside job.

My wife's carrying our first child.
I told her: "He's nine; he should be walking by now."

I got an herbal belt for Christmas -
Complete waste of thyme.

They say to dance like no one is watching...
but everyone was very rude to me at my mother-in-law's funeral.

I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off.
It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.

My wife is going to a costume party as a Rastafarian and she wants me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.

The doctor refused to give my grandad Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.