There's a reason they call our language the mother tongue. The father seldom gets to speak.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, just remember: that's where the knives are kept.

I must be getting old....................
The bank is sending me my free calendar one month at a time.

The bigger my wife gets, the more exciting I find her. She keeps me on the edge of our bed.

Man is rated the smartest animal................
..........at least among the animals who returned the survey.

Calvin Klein has a cunning plan
to make us buy more underwear. I saw the price of boxers and shit myself.

The five stages of being married: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

I went for a job interview today
and the recruiter asked me, "Why did you leave your last job?" I said, "The company relocated and didn't tell me where."

When I was much younger,
I used to think I was great in bed. Then I found out all my girlfriends had asthma.

A girl flashed her tits at me
today. I giggled like a little boy. Then she said, "Will you stop fooling around and just check for the lump, doctor?"

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My short attention span really
irritates me. But luckily, not for too long.

I know the secret to eternal life.
But if I told you, I'd have to kill you.