Posted On: 10/07/2015 6:34:42 PM
Post# of 5246
I just turned my laptop on
I think it's the way I stroke the keys.
I get meat by the pound.
I mean, c'mon, they're getting rid of the strays anyway.
Whenever I watch a movie about bands performing I'm shocked at all of the sax and violins.
I just discovered the secret to eternal life.
In a thousand years, I'll probably just tell everyone what
it is.
I'm trying to lose weight using a treadmill, but I just feel like I'm going nowhere
I wanted to play pro football But I realized:
I'm 100 pounds too light, 5 inches too short...
and 100 IQ points too much.
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death. But then, I'm in no hurry.
I think it's time to clean the fridge. Something just closed the door from the inside.
I'm still playing with a full deck.
I just shuffle slower these days.
The Internet: all of the piracy, with none of the scurvy.
Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your front porch.
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica and he's just a penguin's bitch.
At my mother-in-law's funeral my wife whispered in my ear, "I'm gonna get you for this."
I don't know what she was so angry about. Maybe it was because I was not sharing my popcorn.
I think it's the way I stroke the keys.
I get meat by the pound.
I mean, c'mon, they're getting rid of the strays anyway.
Whenever I watch a movie about bands performing I'm shocked at all of the sax and violins.
I just discovered the secret to eternal life.
In a thousand years, I'll probably just tell everyone what
it is.
I'm trying to lose weight using a treadmill, but I just feel like I'm going nowhere
I wanted to play pro football But I realized:
I'm 100 pounds too light, 5 inches too short...
and 100 IQ points too much.
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death. But then, I'm in no hurry.
I think it's time to clean the fridge. Something just closed the door from the inside.
I'm still playing with a full deck.
I just shuffle slower these days.
The Internet: all of the piracy, with none of the scurvy.
Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your front porch.
Sure, the lion is king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica and he's just a penguin's bitch.
At my mother-in-law's funeral my wife whispered in my ear, "I'm gonna get you for this."
I don't know what she was so angry about. Maybe it was because I was not sharing my popcorn.
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