recently received a photo summons.
The police sent me a picture of me speeding.
So I sent them a picture of my money.

I don't think of a woman as a sum of her parts.
I think of a woman as a hole.

My grandfather had a Rolls.
Actually, it was a Rolls Canardly
Rolls down one hill,
Canardly get up the next.

I was going to live with the Eskimos. But decided I'm just not Inuit.

I went to a optimism thinking class today.
It was half empty

What did the easter egg say to the boiling water
It may take me longer than 3 minutes to get hard I just got laid last night.

I walked up to the reception desk in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in." No problem, sir, this is called the lobby.

At an interview.
"What is your biggest weakness?"
"Sometimes I'm too succinct."
"Can you give an example?"
"Yes."

Me: "This is shit, I'm changing the channel."
Wife: "Leave the baby monitor alone."