The recruitment counselor
asked me: "What do you think of volunteer work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

There was a big fire at work today. No problem. I opened the fire escape and it left.

My friend has been hanging out at the gym. I told him he might want to consider boxer briefs.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My wife and I are getting along great at the moment. She's not home.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?" "Grandpa" "Wait, stop the funeral."

Feed a cold, starve a fever, drown a problem.

Might wake up early and go for a jog.
I might also win the lottery. Odds are about the same