My wife told me to get on the Internet and buy something that would make me last longer in bed. I ordered sleeping pills.

Roses are blue,
violets are red. Oh shit, my 3D glasses are on backwards.

I invented gloves.
OK, I'm lying, but I did have a hand in it.

Needles to say,
I don't like syringes.

I love make-up sex with my wife. I don't really like the eyeliner she makes me put on though.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

I once had a gastric band...
but people just couldn't stomach our music !

Wedding rehearsals…
because ruining your life takes practice.

I thought my vasectomy...
would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I've been known to seize the day…
but mostly I just hug it like a tired boxer holds onto his opponent when he knows the fight's almost over.