I was going through airport customs and they asked me, "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the answer they were looking for.

My wife said I'm a useless, lazy slob and she deserves better. I said, "You woke me up at 3 p.m. to tell me that?"

I was having an argument with my wife last night and she accused me of being childish. What does she know, she's just a stinky poopy head.

I just lost my job as
a Disneyland Donald Duck. I didn't fit the bill.