Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of eighty-two. I'm easily lead.

I took my wife bungee jumping. As her body splattered on the rocks below, I thought, "That'll teach you to lie about your weight."

If a fat kid falls in the forest and there's no one around to see it, is it still hilarious?

I'm sick of all the shit on the TV these days. It's probably my fault for putting the bird cage there in the first place.

My band was due to play a benefit concert for teenage pregnancy, but we pulled out at the last second.

My friend is attempting to set a world record for masturbation. I think he might just pull it off.

An elephant says to a naked man, "You poor creature - how can you possibly drink through that tiny thing."

I thought I'd forgotten how to play Tetris, but once I started all the pieces seemed to fall into place.

My wife told me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that isn't true, she looks fat in a skirt as well.