You can tell a lot about a woman...
by the way she throws a toaster at you.

No, you can't have candy for breakfast.
Don't be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph while flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

Currently helping my wife…
look for her favorite vase that I threw out a month ago.

A big shout-out to slugs…
for doing everything a snail does without a helmet.

Taking my wife to Home Depot...
so she can pick out a new door to slam.

Future museum tour:
Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online.