A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted to know where he had been all night....

He said, "I have been bird watching!"

She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??"

He said, "A double-breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!"