“I need to talk to you. The one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.

The kids text me "plz" because it's shorter than "please". I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes".

Hold that pose.
My camera is ringing.

I do charity work.
I volunteer my opinion just about every day.

Say 'NO' to negativity.

This is how my week goes:
Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.

We had a power outage last week
and my PC, TV and video games shut down, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people....

I hate it when you call shotgun, but the cops still throw you in the back.

When a girl replies with "aww thanks"
it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.

OK inmate dies in botched execution.
Wait, what?
Did he die or is he ok?