Chemy sat sobbing at the police station. "I was raped by an idiot!!" she wailed. "How do you know he was an idiot?" the detective asked. "I had to help him!" Chemy replied.

House is a mess ...
Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch, blindfolded, filming a Fabreeze commercial.

You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last
time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

I'd bet there's a math equation that can tell
how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car.

A concept so foreign,
Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with
a probiotic shake and now I'm back to square one

Then I said "no officer, I’m not slurring my
speech. I’m speaking in cursive."

was doing yard work today when I stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works.
Needless to say they were blown away.

I guess my least favorite author is probably
Hitler.

Say what you will about Hitler, but the guy did kill Hitler.

Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks."
Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this."

Doggies just call it style.