How did the blonde die drinking milk?
I'll tell ya later... This cow costume has to be back in an hour

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, 'I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.'

'Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!' she screamed.
'Funny,' he muttered, 'you even sound exactly like her.'

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, 'What's your pleasure?'
The seal replies, 'Anything but Canadian Club.'

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."